Each morning breaks and I find myself still breathing for some reason. Then sadness sets into my chest like a weight, all because I’m still here and really don’t care if I am tomorrow or not. Numb…that’s the only way to describe it. Numb. I live in Grey World.
People get tired of me, so they stop even talking to me. I’ve written other blogs, only to delete them when the comments became hateful and the “STFU ALREADY” comments became the most common.
It’s called depression. It is not a choice I make. It is an imbalance of chemicals within my brain for which I am under doctor’s care for it, but we haven’t found medicine or combination of chemicals that work for any length of time. I didn’t ASK for this, but it numbness wraps around me like a wet cloak.
Believe it or not, I have had people actually ask me “What would it take for you to be happy?” And they are stunned when my reply is “To not breathe anymore.”
My ONLY saving grace right now is my brother, who told me to share his blog and share my thoughts and “feelings”, such as they are. He accepts me for who I am. He let’s me lean on him while I weep endless streams wondering what’s wrong with me. He brings me tea. He makes sure I keep up hygiene. And I cannot count the number of nights he has missed sleep just so he could listen to me ramble on, only to go to work and listen to others tell him their problems. I am such a burden to him! I HATE being a burden to him. But he makes sure I make my appointments, take my meds, shit, shower, shave, brush teeth, get dressed…..every single day.
Being under Counseled Care, I found out that such chemical imbalances are hereditary, so I feared for him because if we both are cursed then what will happen? I know…we will both cease to be. But he is the only reason I haven’t exited this world yet. And I am sorry for that every moment of every day here in the World of Grey!