I Am No One!

shadow

I am no one really, just another face in the crowd….another shadow in the dark.  Nothing special. Nothing amazing.  Nothing worthwhile.  I’m no one really.

I hide in plain sight.  People pass me without even looking at me, just through me, as if I don’t exist.  I hold the door open for others and they take no notice.  I wander the streets watching people and they don’t even notice.  I fell once and sprained my ankle and had to make it the 10 blocks back home because no one cared.  You see, I’m no one really.

A phantom with no place to haunt because no one seems to see me.  I walked into a cafe this morning and took a lady’s wallet while she sat there not noticing me.  I put it on the table beside her elbow and she never even knew I did it.  I’m hollow because I’m not worth seeing.

The Grunge saw me though.  Every morning he would stare at me while I was in the shower.  He insisted on drying me off.  Every afternoon after school he would tell me it was time for a nap, then he would hold me down and tickle me until I wet myself then he would get angry and the hitting started.  The Grunge saw me.  His hands were always rough and calloused.  His breath always smelled like a pig shit in his mouth.  His teeth were yellowish brown from chain smoking.  But he saw me.  No one else noticed when I stopped trying to fit it.  No one else noticed when just sat in class saying nothing.

The popular girls noticed when the Grunge had had a go at me and they’d laugh and point at the stains he left on my clothes.  They all laughed at me and called me “WHORE”and “SLUT” when my belly showed the baby the Grunge had put in me.  When the baby left, they stopped seeing me.  I was no longer there.

I take all that back….my brother noticed and still notices.  I can always count on him for a hug.  I can always count on him to make sure I care for myself.  I can always count on him trying to get me to smile.  He’s my angel!

But he can’t take away what the Grunge has done.  Even though my brother rescued me from the Grunge, I still feel him watching me shower.  I still feel him touch me when I sleep.  I still smell his stink when I try to dream.

Is there such a thing as true love?  Is there such a thing as true caring?  Is there a way that people will at least notice you’re alive?  I want to know what it feels like to be loved simply because I exist!  I want to know what it is to be loved in spite of being labeled a WHORE and a SLUT!  I want to know that the Grunge was wrong!!!!

But I am no one really.

 

 

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10 thoughts on “I Am No One!

  1. I woke up in the middle of the night and for some reason, reached out to my phone, checked my email and then saw your post. I read it and then I couldn’t get it out of my mind, so here at 3:17 am, I’m writing you a response. My heart aches for you. “The Grunge” abused you in every possible way a person can abuse another person: verbally, emotionally, physically and sexually. It is no wonder that you feel the way you do and that you would want all that pain to stop. He was evil and selfish and senseless and he will pay at some point for those horrible, horrible things he did.
    I can’t make the pain go away, but I want to share with you something i hope will help. YOU ARE AMAZING! You are courageous and strong and valiant! You may not think so, but just by the fact that you are still living and not giving into the pain, you are stronger than you think that you are. And to your response that you feel as if you are nothing, that is most definitely not true! You are as important as any human being on this earth for you are a precious and beloved daughter of God. You may not be religious in any aspect and I’m not one who is going to try and sway you to one belief or another. I just want to share a quote with you that helped me in my darkest times.
    “As a child, when I would look at the little forget-me-nots, I sometimes felt a little like that flower—small and insignificant. I wondered if I would be forgotten by my family or by my Heavenly Father. And I do know now—I was never forgotten.You are not forgotten.
    Sisters, wherever you are, whatever your circumstances may be, you are not forgotten. No matter how dark your days may seem, no matter how insignificant you may feel, no matter how overshadowed you think you may be, your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you. In fact, He loves you with an infinite love.
    Just think of it: You are known and remembered by the most majestic, powerful, and glorious Being in the universe! You are loved by the King of infinite space and everlasting time!
    He who created and knows the stars knows you and your name—you are a daughter of His kingdom.”
    Yes, you. You are so much more than you know. I am grateful you have your brother that is there to help you. But know he is not the only one that cares. There are strangers throughout this world who will open their hearts to you simply because they know what it’s like to walk around in immense pain. Don’t give up, don’t give in to the darkness. You are fighting back…and know this….you are winning! ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I don’t like talking about the Grunge, but my brother keeps telling me that to keep it inside is like having a cut you never take care of and will become infected.

      I have to admit that when I wrote this entry, I was terrified. My hands are still shaking. I feel so ashamed and scared that someone will find out who I am and then it will all start again.

      Your words sound a lot like the things my brother says too. You’re both so encouraging. Sometimes I feel like I’m too damaged to be of any good to anyone and will never amount to anything. I mean, I’m 23 years old now and live with my brother and have SO much baggage that who would want.

      I keep fighting. Most times I feel like I lose, but maybe make a step forward. Thank you for being such a nice and encouraging person.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. See? I told you that you were courageous! It’s hard to talk about the things that we keep inside. I wrote about a severe heartbreak that I went through and full two years of terrible depression after it. It was hard on me to write it, but I’m glad I did as I’ve had many tell me how it has helped them in one way or the other. I am 45 years old and can tell you that you are young and you have years of a promising, beautiful future ahead of you. We are all “damaged” in a sense. We all have baggage that we carry around, but I know from experience in dealing with many people over the years, that time really does find a way to heal us if we let it. I know your counselor will have lots of suggestions, but I think one of them that helped me the most was to find pleasure, happiness and joy in the small things. A warm cup of hot chocolate or a sunset or a bouquet of flowers. All these things helped to heal me in small moments until I felt I had control over my life again. And whether you know it or not, you are making steps. Some days will be harder than others, but you WILL get better, just as you stated before. Sending a virtual hug to you and reminding you that are loved. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow! That’s a shock! I’m sure in some ways, that’s a relief to you. But I know it will also come with a multitude of other feelings as well. Be prepared for lots of emotions to come, but I do believe it’s a chapter closing. He has obviously paid for what he did, yet I’m glad that he is gone. I hope this will help you to open a new chapter to a new life! You have a beautiful soul and one of these days, it will shine through gloriously! I strongly believe this! May all the best and most beautiful blessings of this world land at your doorstep. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I just found your blog today, and I want to say that my heart truly aches for you too. I am so glad you have started to write about your experiences, for a lot of reasons, but also so you can know you are not alone, nor unseen. I can’t imagine what you have been through, and I admire you for holding on. You are in my prayers too.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. It is a terrible reality that there are so many others! That there is anyone at all is so sad! At least there are ways for communication now…just since my parents’ generation, there are huge differences. (I am 44) but my mother has told me often how people of her generation just didn’t talk about their problems to anyone…so much suffering in silence. I am sure your sharing will help others, and hopefully this is the beginning of much healing for you too! ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I was always told that what happens at home was not to be discussed. Abuse was never to be spoken to anyone, nor hinted about. We were just supposed to slap on a happy smile, and dress in whatever it took to cover the evidence.

        Also, we never talked about the “D-word” because it “wasn’t real” and was just some hormonal phase.

        Like

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