Not Sure How To Feel


I’m not sure how to feel.  My brother told me this morning that he was taking me to lunch today so “we can talk.”  So I’ve was throwing up all morning because I don’t know what he wants to talk about.  My biggest fear is that he’s tired of being tired because he has to deal with me and he’s going to ship me off to some prison for crazy people.

When he came to pick me up, he brought me balloons and took me out for my favorite pizza. He took one of the balloons and inhaled the helium right before the server came over and made me laugh when he ordered with that high pitched voice.  The pizza was so yummy!  My favorite: ground beef, ham, extra cheese, and scrambled egg…there’s nothing like it anywhere!  So now I’m getting REAL nervous because we still haven’t had “the talk” yet, so when the pizza arrives, I pick at it.  My brother asks me what’s wrong and I told him how nervous I felt and then had to run to the restroom before I puked all over the table.

I don’t know how long I was puking, but when I had nothing left to offer the “Porcelain Deity” I went to the sink and washed my face.  When I looked in the mirror, I saw a row of urinals and a REALLY surprised Dude looking at me.  He asked me if I was okay, and I nodded, and then he told me that I ran into the men’s room by mistake.  I was humiliated!!!!!  But then this guy offered me a mint and said, “Before you go back out….don’t want puke breath.”  He smiled and it made me feel incredible that someone actually NOTICED I EXIST.

I got back to the table and told Logan, my brother, what had happened and he said, “See? You aren’t invisible.  Unless, of course, I’ve been talking to myself all these years believing I had an invisible sister.”  I couldn’t help but smile.  Then I had to ask what he wanted to talk about, and his smile disappeared.

He took my hands and told me the Grunge had died last night and that he had seen him die.  The Grunge had some kind of cancer that had slowly destroyed his liver, lungs. When I heard the Grunge was dead, I didn’t know how to feel.  I was SO hurt and angry by the LIFETIME he had stolen from me!  But I was SO relieved that he was finally never going to be around anymore. Then I just cried because the Grunge had made me feel so dirty, horrible, worthless, and invisible and I have felt empty, hollow and dead for so long that I didn’t know what else to do by cry.

I asked Logan what happens now and he said, “We start living.”  I didn’t realize that the Grunge had been such a monster to ALL of us!  So now I don’t know how to feel or what to do.  I want to be normal and have a normal life, but what has been “normal” for most of my life was degrading and horrid!


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