Woke up this morning with such a heaviness on my chest that I could hardly breathe, my head was spinning, and every nerve of my body was on fire. My heart ached so much that all I could do was cry. When I looked in the mirror, the self hatred started all over again, I could hear the Grunge telling (yelling) what a worthless slut I am and how no one could EVER want anything to do with me. The Grunge……..the embodiment of all that is evil. The therapist told me he could never hurt me again, but here I am in such agony that I don’t want to be here anymore.
I just sat in the bathroom floor and screamed and pulled my hair and tried to knock myself out by hitting my head on the wall. I don’t really remember how I got to the ER except I kept hearing Logan telling me “We’re gonna get through this!” as he carried me into the ER.
Now I have a MASSIVE headache, 16 stitches, and I left a mess in my bathroom that Logan cleaned up.
I am so tired of being tired! I am so sick of the Grunge telling me how ugly and horrible I am. I am tired of him still controlling me even thought he’s dead! I’m SICK OF IT! I’m tired of having to take meds that make me feel confused and muddleheaded. I’m ready to be normal! I’m tired of seeing a bridge and thinking, it would only take one step and a few seconds. I’m tired of thinking of ways to die! I want to change that to find reasons to live and want to know what it means to be happy!
Time to armor up and get ready for the fight for my life!!! It’s MY LIFE DAMN IT!!!!