During the chit chat time (first 10 minutes) with my therapist today, we talked about books. She asked what I liked to read. I told her that my favorite was a collection of writings by Edgar Allen Poe, especially “The Raven” appealed to me. If you’ve never read it, it’s well worth a look. The more we talked about my issues, my therapist said that is sounded like I started out as the writer of “The Raven” who was seeking solace of love and life that had been taken from me, but now I sounded more like the Raven.
The more I thought about that, the more I realized that I do need to become more like The Raven and let the world know that NEVERMORE will I allow someone to dictate to me whether I am worthy or not, because I AM WORTHY! NEVERMORE will I allow someone to dictate to me whether or not I am lovable, because I AM LOVABLE! NEVERMORE will I allow someone to dictate to me whether or not I have value, because I AM VALUABLE!
Not trying to sound cocky or arrogant, but I’m tired of being judged because of all that has happened to me. I have been asked over and over “Why didn’t you just leave?” and “Why didn’t you stop it?” and “How could you let this happen to you?” And I am sick of the haughty looks and words of those who choose to look down on me!
Giving up would be VERY easy. There are so many methods at my disposal. There is the pistol I keep under my pillow, the knives I have stashed in every room, the medications I have stockpiled, the bridge just a mile away, the gasline that feeds the stove, just to name a few. You see, giving up and exiting would be very easy. But I want to know what it feels like to actually LIVE! And DAMMIT I am doing my best!
Depression, Anxiety, Traumatic Stress cannot be overcome with a snap of the fingers and an aspirin! The physical pain of the injuries received and the mental anguish of all the things done to me don’t disappear just because someone says “It’s the past. Just let it go and move on.”
I am one of the few lucky ones. I have a brother who endured the same things and yet wants to help ME through the pain. I have FINALLY gotten physically away from the Grunge and am going through therapy to face all the horrible things he did. AND I feel stronger and able to speak up more. I can actually take a shower without Logan having to come remind me to shit, shower and shave. I can eat again. Real food! I had a hotdog today for the first time. Not sure what they are made of, and it tasted horrible, but I ATE IT! Someone told me today, at the pharmacy, that my hair looked pretty and set my eyes off beautifully…..and I didn’t run away this time!
Pity me not for what I’ve endured; a life of horrors and nightmares. Pity me not for surviving; against all odds I’m still here. Pity me not for all that has happened; that put me into this hell. For through that hell I will arise and learn to live; and one day will be well.