Wondering

wondering

It’s been a while since I last wrote anything and there’s a reason for that.  I’ve been doing a lot of reading, a lot of thinking, a lot of mind cleaning, and….wait for it…..I got a job!  I work in a library nearby logging books into the computer system so I don’t have to deal with too many people.  But at least it’s fulltime (with insurance) and now I can start helping Logan with the bills.

But I’ve also been doing a lot of wondering and pondering.  With the recent election and the riots and protests that followed, I really had to wonder why so many act like spoiled toddlers who didn’t get their way instead of simply discussing the issues?  I mean, look at Mohandis Gandhi who brought about HUGE changes to India without rioting or destroying other people’s property or stealing.  He used non-violent protests to bring about change.  Martin Luther King didn’t advocate violence to bring about change, yet he has brought about more positive change in this country than anyone else.  I just don’t understand the need for violence, because violence begets violence.

I also have been wondering why almost every topic gets turned into a racial issue.  Can anyone show me where the Japanese are to go to breathe their own air?  How about the redheaded Scot, where to they go to breath the air reserved for Redheaded Scots?  A person’s appearance does not reveal their heart!  To most people, The Grunge was just a hard working dedicated Asian man who married a Hispanic woman and had three children whom he loved.  Truth, The Grunge was a hateful shit who drove his wife to take too many anti-depressants with her tequila shots.  The Grunge “loved” his kids so much that he tortured us all day, every day!  Yet to the outside world, he was admired.  So what does the outward appearance have to do with ANYTHING???!!!

Oh, before I forget, I met someone last week.  It was a chance encounter.  Her name is Vera and we met because the coffee shop was full and she asked to share my table.  we sat there for hours not saying a word, just reading and writing.  When she left, she thanked me for sharing and I got all flustered because she actually was sincere with her gratitude.  Two days later, I was the only customer in the coffee shop when Vera came in.  She could have had ANY table she wanted but she came over and asked if we could share a table again.  We had the most amazing conversation for a couple of extreme Introverts.  Vera is so nice, shy and polite.  I think she might just become my friend.  Taking it slow.  I don’t like people getting too close to me too quickly.  But the walls have lowered a fractional bit.

Last thing to put in this entry, the therapy is going pretty well.  The nightmares are beginning to not be so scary.  I don’t wake up in a sweat anymore, but still wake up tense.  Logan said he was so proud of me because I have made a morning routine schedule and have been keeping it for three weeks now!  Having Logan be proud of me has been like watching a sunrise over the ocean, such an incredible feeling!  He told me that he’s not afraid for me anymore because he’s too proud of me to be scared.

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7 thoughts on “Wondering

  1. It’s getting really late here but I just wanted to say how much I enjoyed reading this! Congratulations on the job! That’s fantastic news. You made some really good points too, about the post election landscape. And I hope you enjoy your new friendship. And your last paragraph was just lovely to read. Hope it continues to get more positive 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much. There’s a LOT I don’t understand about people, but I want to begin to see people in a more positive way. I LOVE the job! Just me, the computer and the books. The person who had the job before me retired and she told me it was the best job she could ever have imagined.

      I love Logan! To have him as a brother has been my only saving grace for most of my life! 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

      1. This brought tears to my eyes, really. I am so happy for you about the job, especially after the comments from the previous employee. How lovely that the thing that will help you with routine etc is something that you love and brings you joy! Your brother sounds amazing too. You are both a reminder of the beautiful things that can come out of such hardship. It’s inspiring! I agree with Melissa’s comment and I wish you both continued healing! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you so much. We both have such a long journey ahead, but we are family and have vowed to walk every step together.

        The job is absolutely perfect! And I get to be in the corner of the attic for an office space (with a real window).

        I am SO happy right now that I cried today because life is proving to be worth living.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so happy for you and just like your brother, so proud of you too! I don’t want that to sound condescending, but reading over your entries from the beginning, I’m so happy to read you make such progress!! It makes my heart happy for you! And this new person sounds like she could become a good friend. The best friendships take time, especially for introverts (I was an introvert growing up), but you also keep them longer than others. Just happy for you Timere! ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You make me blush. Logan endured much more than I did, but he always tried to protect me. He’s been my guardian and I cry every time I think of all he went through so I wouldn’t have to. But I am so proud of him too!

      Time will heal us and we are making progress. Monday was the first morning I woke up without being drenched in sweat, but I was so tense. Baby steps. I’m also beginning to trust the therapist a bit more. Don’t like the probing questions especially the details, and wonder if they are really necessary.

      Thank you for being so nice and patient and kind! You are truly an amazing person! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you sweet girl! My brothers and sisters might not agree that I’m amazing (stubborn and bossy, yes!) LOL! Please give your dear brother a hug and tell him thank you for taking care of you and tell him to take care of himself too! ❤

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