Haven’t been able to sleep much over the last few days and I believe it’s beginning to take its toll. I was in the shower this morning enjoying the steaming hot water, next thing I remember was realizing the water was cold and I only had one pit shaved. When I looked at the clock, I had lost almost an hour (not to mention the 40 gallons of hot water in the tank). Did manage to finish the grooming, goosebumps and all, and had hot tea to warm up again. It’s days and weeks like this that make me think I must be going insane. I mean, what would have happened if I had blanked out in a crosswalk?
I didn’t call Logan about today’s episode, because I feel like such a burden already because he takes care of me when he endured far worse than I did, instead I went to work and during my lunch I took my sandwich to the roof and sat in the fresh air to eat my Turkey and Swiss sandwich and my Cheetos (I LOVE Cheetos!!!). When I finished my lunch, I looked over the edge of the roof and I thought, “If I stepped off, I’ll bet I would fly.” I felt as if I was a stranger in my own body. I stepped up onto the ledge. I felt the cool air blowing and the only thing I can remember making me step back down was the thought that the breeze was blowing my skirt up and that guy across the street just got a great look at my panda panties. I saw him staring at me through his window (kinda like a horny teenager looks at their first porn picture) so I smiled and went back down to my books.
I’ve been going to Sister Thomasina’s Butt Kicking Women’s Self Defense classes and feel physically stronger. After last night’s class though, she caught me afterwards and asked if I was okay. I told her about the nightmares and feeling really off lately so we talked for a long time. Well, I talked and she listened mostly. I told her that some days I feel like I’m on this earth for a reason, but some days (more than not) I feel as though I don’t belong here. She didn’t laugh at me at all. She simply told me that each one of us has a specific purpose on this earth. So now I’m trying to figure out what my purpose for existing could possibly be. Sister Thomasina has urged me to tell my story, but there are two things stopping that idea: First, I’m not sure anyone would actually give a damn or believe it happened. Second, I don’t know if I can stand reliving all those years again.
I passed by a dumpster on my walk home and the stench was just like the breath of The Grunge!
Met up with Vera again at the coffee shop. We talked and caught up. Found out she’s in a place for abused women and comes out randomly with her sponsor to reintegrate safely into a new environment. She told me that her ex had tried to kill her and got put in jail, but is due to be released in a few months. So she’s afraid he’ll find her. I told her about the Women’s Self Defense Class and she said she would think about it.
Vera asked me if I had ever been afraid of someone. I told her that I had been tortured and raped by my own father every single day (sometimes multiple times a day) for 10 years. I told her that when I was 14, he got me pregnant and made me abort the baby then raped me again within an hour of getting home from the abortion. She got very quiet and said she had to go. So why should I tell my story if it’s going to terrify people?
I don’t know what to do.
Got home and Logan, true to form, had fixed dinner. We had Filet Mignon with green beans and salad. AND he had put candles on the table so we could eat by candlelight. AND he brought be a single tulip. I asked him what was the special occasion for all this, and he said, “You have survived and been free for a whole month now. THAT is worth celebrating!”
Some days….I don’t feel free. Some days…..I wonder “If I step off the edge, would I fly?”