I explained my “time outs” to my therapist, those times when I kept losing hours without realizing it was happening. So we’re going to try a different med called Effexor in smaller doses to see if that helps. She told me it could take up to three weeks to before I would be able to tell a difference. So the journey takes a new step.
I felt like I needed to have another heart-to-heart with Sister Thomasina since I haven’t heard a peep out of Vera since I told her that little speck of my life. I feel so guilty for scaring her so badly. I just wanted her to know that she was not alone in her pain and misery and that we could help each other find the light again.
Sister Thomasina met with me after class and even invited me in to her apartment for tea. I couldn’t help myself, the tears started, then the snot joined in, and before I could stop it, I was sobbing so hard that I couldn’t speak. Sister Thomasina was amazing. She got up, got a bath cloth and ran warm water over it. Then she came over and told me to go ahead and let it out, but to please keep the fluids in the cloth because the sofa belonged to the church and not her. Then she just started humming some soft tune and held me.
Finally, I was able to tell her that I felt like the darkness was creeping back over me and I was having thoughts I really shouldn’t. I was SO angry with myself for letting the darkness come back. I told her about my dreams and how I was paralyzed and sweating and didn’t think I could take any more of it. She took my face in her hands, wiped my face with the snotty cloth, and said “Darkness can hide many things because they want us to think of them as being bigger than they really are. But watch this.” Then she walked over, turned out the lights, and came back and sat down after she apparently stepped on her cat’s tail (I almost pooed myself when it screeched). She said, “What can you see?” I told her that I couldn’t see anything. It was SO dark in her apartment that I couldn’t even see my finger touching the bridge of my nose.
Then she lit a candle. And she said, “Darkness can hide everything EXCEPT light. And within you is the love that is LIGHT.” I thought about the scars on my neck and arms and thought of how many times I tried to give into the darkness, even begging the darkness to take me. But there I sat staring at the light of that candle. Darkness can threaten me, the memories of the Grunge can torment me, the dream can attack me, but the light will not dim if I can help it.
Darkness CAN NEVER hide light!