Baby Steps


Still haven’t heard a peep out of Vera since I told her that little nugget about my past and that hurts.  But I can’t control what she does with the information, I can only learn to keep making baby steps forward.  So far, the some steps have been easy and exciting, and some have been horribly reflective, and some have just been difficult because I’m still trying to understand it all.

As painful as the past may have been, I am actually grateful that it happened, and this will sound idiotically silly, because now I am so appreciative of so many small kindnesses that I believe many take for granted.  Yesterday, I was reading while I was walking to the coffee shop and a HUGE man came out of the door right when I got to the door and I got knocked down with my stuff scattering everywhere.  At first I was terrified, because this guy was HUGE (Shrek huge).  But he was so nice.  He helped me up and helped me get all my stuff back then bought me a gift card to the coffee shop so I could have as much coffee as I wanted for a whole month!  And he just kept apologizing and want to make sure I was okay.  He was so sweet.  I thanked him and assured him I was okay.  Then when I got ready to leave, the shop clerk handed me an envelope that the guy had left for me.  In it was $200 and a note telling me how sorry he was and to please use the money for something I would enjoy.

Sister Thomasina told me of a group that meets in the basement of the church for people like me.  I figured it was just another one of those “Learn to GET OVER IT” groups, and, once again, I was wrong.  These were people who I had a lot in common with.  Their tormentors were beasts who are or were wastes of molecules.  How can people become such monsters?  Why would they choose to be so horrible?

The hardest part I had with this group was when the facilitator said at some point we MUST be able to forgive them for all they had done to us.  Is she KIDDING?  FORGIVE the GRUNGE for my daily fucks and torments?  How could that even be possible?

Anyway, aside from that, my last several days have been filled with working, butt-kicking classes, and discovering what all is around our flat.  There are some pretty cool places around us.  There’s this little grocer on the corner where I stop every few days to keep fruits stocked for lunch.  The owner always calls me his little ray of sunshine and makes me smile and blush, especially when his wife comes out wiping her hands on her apron and gives me a piece of fresh Dutch Apple Crumble to take with me.  They are so adorable!

One of the books I’ve been reading is called The Hobbit, and one of my favorite parts is where Gandalf tells Lady Galadriel, “Saruman thinks it is through great power that evil is kept at bey.  But I have found that it’s in the small acts of kindness and love.”  How better to make the world a better place than to share in those small acts of kindness and love?

Even so, I cannot forgive the Grunge!  Not by a long shot!



14 thoughts on “Baby Steps

  1. This is beautiful dear, every words it curved feelings.!
    Here I wAnt to say . . . Try to forgive and forget the grunge, I’m understand it’s sound very hard or might it impossible but this is the first step for healing and to be happy .

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I hope you don’t agonise over the forgiving thing? This needs time and no part of the healing process can be forced. I can’t even imagine trying to forgive someone like that. (Personally, as a believer, that’s something I would have to leave in God’s hands, it would be beyond my own power!)
    I’m so glad you’ve been on the receiving end of such lovely moments of kindness. Hope there are many many more!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Realizing that there are really good people in this world has been wonderful but I am still VERY wary and fearful most of the time.

      I’m hoping when the dreams and memories stop or at least slow down enough to let me truly sleep, my perspective will change enough to let it fade.

      Right now, the wounds are still bleeding.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes, I am sure you are still bleeding. I so admire you for how well you are functioning considering the rawness of the horror. Most of us who haven’t experienced a fraction of what you have, are cynical about people and jaded by life’s experiences. So I’m honestly so happy you have had these other experiences, also as a reminder to everyone. I so wish there were some way we could take your nightmares from you. But definitely with you in spirit during your healing process 🌹

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Still debating whether to follow Sister Thomasina’s advice and share my story. I really don’t want to scare anyone or creep them out, but I also know there are others who are hurting too.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. She wants me to write out each memory in as much detail as possible. She said it will help my mind put the events in an order and will help me face my fury and begin to release it.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Hmmm I’m sure she’s right. But it will obviously be very difficult and not something you should do without a caring person nearby imho. And obviously only you can decide when and if it’s best to start. Be careful 💐

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I love that people have been so kind to you and are showing you that there are many more good people out there in the world than bad ones. I have been keeping you and Logan in my prayers and it’s so great to see you being blessed with tender mercies. 🙂
    As for the forgiving thing…forgiveness is a process. It might take 40 to 50 years to do it, but it’s a step by step process. It actually took me until I was well into my 30’s before I could forgive some people who had bullied me as a child. And quite honestly, forgiveness has nothing to do with him and everything to do with you. I can only tell you that when you forgive it takes a burden off of you. So it actually makes your life better and makes you a better person. But of course, that doesn’t mean after years of horrible treatment that it’s going to happen in one day! Don’t let it bother you too much and just focus on all the good things that are happening and all that incredible progress you are making! Sending you a big hug!! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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