Still haven’t heard a peep out of Vera since I told her that little nugget about my past and that hurts. But I can’t control what she does with the information, I can only learn to keep making baby steps forward. So far, the some steps have been easy and exciting, and some have been horribly reflective, and some have just been difficult because I’m still trying to understand it all.
As painful as the past may have been, I am actually grateful that it happened, and this will sound idiotically silly, because now I am so appreciative of so many small kindnesses that I believe many take for granted. Yesterday, I was reading while I was walking to the coffee shop and a HUGE man came out of the door right when I got to the door and I got knocked down with my stuff scattering everywhere. At first I was terrified, because this guy was HUGE (Shrek huge). But he was so nice. He helped me up and helped me get all my stuff back then bought me a gift card to the coffee shop so I could have as much coffee as I wanted for a whole month! And he just kept apologizing and want to make sure I was okay. He was so sweet. I thanked him and assured him I was okay. Then when I got ready to leave, the shop clerk handed me an envelope that the guy had left for me. In it was $200 and a note telling me how sorry he was and to please use the money for something I would enjoy.
Sister Thomasina told me of a group that meets in the basement of the church for people like me. I figured it was just another one of those “Learn to GET OVER IT” groups, and, once again, I was wrong. These were people who I had a lot in common with. Their tormentors were beasts who are or were wastes of molecules. How can people become such monsters? Why would they choose to be so horrible?
The hardest part I had with this group was when the facilitator said at some point we MUST be able to forgive them for all they had done to us. Is she KIDDING? FORGIVE the GRUNGE for my daily fucks and torments? How could that even be possible?
Anyway, aside from that, my last several days have been filled with working, butt-kicking classes, and discovering what all is around our flat. There are some pretty cool places around us. There’s this little grocer on the corner where I stop every few days to keep fruits stocked for lunch. The owner always calls me his little ray of sunshine and makes me smile and blush, especially when his wife comes out wiping her hands on her apron and gives me a piece of fresh Dutch Apple Crumble to take with me. They are so adorable!
One of the books I’ve been reading is called The Hobbit, and one of my favorite parts is where Gandalf tells Lady Galadriel, “Saruman thinks it is through great power that evil is kept at bey. But I have found that it’s in the small acts of kindness and love.” How better to make the world a better place than to share in those small acts of kindness and love?
Even so, I cannot forgive the Grunge! Not by a long shot!