I must apologize for being absent for the last several days. I followed Sister Thomasina’s advice, and began writing about my life with the Grunge. So many memories and so many things I had blocked for so long came flooding back to my mind! It was more than I could handle all at once, and when Logan told me that I had gone back into my “FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE” mode, I realized that maybe I had opened Pandora’s box. Now I have to try to figure out what to do with all the demons that have been turned loose in my mind.
I am ashamed to say that I resorted to my former coping methods and ended up with more scars. I know, I know, self destructive behavior is not going to solve the issues. But in the end, I will have escaped the torments remembered, right?
I brought my laptop to Sister Thomasina’s apartment and sat at her table to write out all that was within me while she crocheted a sweater for a gorilla or something like that (it was HUGE). Without realizing it, I wrote out everything I could remember and yet my fingers couldn’t keep up, but I couldn’t stop the flow. Wrote for four hours straight without even stopping to pee or eat. I did sip water through a straw so I didn’t have to stop.
The words and visions kept coming until I was literally drenched in sweat and shaking so bad my spelling just sucked. When I finally was too exhausted to go on writing, I locked myself in the bathroom and just cried. Yes, I did pee first. I didn’t want to go home because I knew the memories would keep attacking me, but I knew I had to go home (baby steps).
I haven’t slept in 3 days now, even with meds, and haven’t been able to stop shaking. My boss sent me an email reminding me that the office would be closed this week and next week but I will still get paid. That was a positive.
Logan has been so understanding and has done his best to help me, even going out of his way to decorate our flat for Christmas. He understands because he endured the same things I did and even worse, yet he is more focused on my well-being instead of his own. I don’t know how he doesn’t fall apart like I do or how he keeps his sanity or even why he would want me to be in his life, much less sharing his flat.
I feel so lost right now, and I know that is part of the processing, but I just want to be normal, if there is such a thing.