Floods of Memories!

hoodie

I must apologize for being absent for the last several days.  I followed Sister Thomasina’s advice, and began writing about my life with the Grunge.  So many memories and so many things I had blocked for so long came flooding back to my mind!  It was more than I could handle all at once, and when Logan told me that I had gone back into my “FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE” mode, I realized that maybe I had opened Pandora’s box.  Now I have to try to figure out what to do with all the demons that have been turned loose in my mind.

I am ashamed to say that I resorted to my former coping methods and ended up with more scars.  I know, I know, self destructive behavior is not going to solve the issues.  But in the end, I will have escaped the torments remembered, right?

I brought my laptop to Sister Thomasina’s apartment and sat at her table to write out all that was within me while she crocheted a sweater for a gorilla or something like that (it was HUGE).  Without realizing it, I wrote out everything I could remember and yet my fingers couldn’t keep up, but I couldn’t stop the flow.  Wrote for four hours straight without even stopping to pee or eat.  I did sip water through a straw so I didn’t have to stop.

The words and visions kept coming until I was literally drenched in sweat and shaking so bad my spelling just sucked.  When I finally was too exhausted to go on writing, I locked myself in the bathroom and just cried.  Yes, I did pee first.  I didn’t want to go home because I knew the memories would keep attacking me, but I knew I had to go home (baby steps).

I haven’t slept in 3 days now, even with meds, and haven’t been able to stop shaking.   My boss sent me an email reminding me that the office would be closed this week and next week but I will still get paid.  That was a positive.

Logan has been so understanding and has done his best to help me, even going out of his way to decorate our flat for Christmas.  He understands because he endured the same things I did and even worse, yet he is more focused on my well-being instead of his own.  I don’t know how he doesn’t fall apart like I do or how he keeps his sanity or even why he would want me to be in his life, much less sharing his flat.

I feel so lost right now, and I know that is part of the processing, but I just want to be normal, if there is such a thing.

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16 thoughts on “Floods of Memories!

  1. When you are writing something from the past, your brain is reliving every detail. Thus your mind believes it is going through the same horrible abuse that you received from the past and your body will respond accordingly. I know this, because I have been writing my own story and when writing the painful moments, the tears will pour down as I write, because in my own mind, I’m reliving those moments. But once you stop and move onto the next subject, the pain starts to go away. My suggestion would be that instead of only writing about all the awful things you experienced, that you follow up with what you are learning from your life now. Maybe you can focus your next part on the positive things that come into your life as you have written about here on your blog. I only say this because I learned, through my own experiences, that I had to create beautiful things to put in my mind to counteract the negative. Sometimes you must let the tears out, but when you do that, you can let the beauty and positive back in.
    I hope this helps some, I don’t want to see you hurting so much. Hugs to you ❤

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Please please don’t feel ashamed. I know it’s easier said than done, but I really mean it. You have nothing to be ashamed about. Your experience is one of extreme cruelty. And trust me when I say she will not think that of you.

        Liked by 2 people

      2. I know this is a very complex thing, and my husband and I have been involved with other abuse victims (he’s a pastor, if I hadn’t mentioned that), so I understand there are an infinite number of nuances etc. But please trust me if you can. I know it’s a lot to ask. I will pray Thomasina will help you work through your shame issues. And if not her, someone else ❤

        Liked by 2 people

      3. Yes it will be. But you need to tell yourself, it wasn’t your fault, it wasn’t your fault. And the more you start to see that, more anger will naturally come. I’m so glad you’re having self defense classes. Take it out there, not on your poor worn out self, who was fed enough of that garbage to last a dozen lifetimes! I have to go but I’m wishing hard you get some rest tonight 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

  2. People who have been raped and abused think that it is somehow their fault. No, it absolutely isn’t!! You were the victim, not the abuser. That is definitely something you should bring up with your counselor and the Sister. I think you will be surprised how others actually view you. I see you as the innocent victim of horrific crimes. I don’t know how others feel, but in my case, I wish he would have lived, been put in prison and raped and tortured repeatedly for what he did to his OWN children!! (Sorry, I apologize, but I just get very very angry at those who prey on the innocent.) If I could, I would wrap my arms around every hurt child in the world and do my best to protect them. Just my “mom” instinct coming out, I guess.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I still feel so guilty for all that happened. My sister hung herself to get away from him and my brother escaped after he and I both had endured for 5 years in the same torture, but he came back to help me escape eventually.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m definitely no psychologist, but I did go to a site that deals with people who have been raped and this is what they said regarding guilt:
        “Most people who have been raped feel shame about it, which means that it can be really difficult for them to talk about. There are lots of reasons why people who have been raped feel ashamed. Many men who rape women try to make the victim feel like it is their fault, or that they have asked for it in some way, maybe by the way they look or dress – this is NEVER true.
        Some people who have been raped say their bodies responded sexually during the attack, and feel terrible shame about this. The fact is that our body is made to respond to touch, even if we don’t want it to. It is something we have very little control over. If you felt your body respond in a sexual way, try and remember that this is normal for a body to respond and does not mean that you wanted the rape to happen.”
        Through horrible abuse such as yours, it will take time to work through. But bit by bit, you will start to get better. Keep seeing your counselor, keep talking and take the suggestions they make to help you through it. And I, as a friend, will be here when you need to talk. And I will continue to tell you what an AMAZING woman you are and how proud of you I am of the progress you continue to make. Hugs

        Liked by 2 people

      2. I have cried every waking moment since I started writing. I have cut myself trying to make the pain and shame stop. I have tried several times to OD to make me go away so the Pai full nightmares

        Liked by 1 person

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