I can tell you, with a great degree of experience now, that being brutally honest with one’s abhorrent past is not a joy, nor it is easy, nor is it delightful in any way, shape, or form. The things I discovered about my past whilst penning my letter to the Grunge stirred up in the depths of my soul such a bitter hatred and anger and pain that I could not stop the tears or the profanities or the raining down of blows on the poor defenceless pillows. To say the least, it was brutal!
Today when we met with the Right Reverend “Don’t Call Me Shithead”, I held out my letter for him to read, review, reflect, and pontificate upon. Instead, he took it from my hand, folded it back up, and asked me: “Did you find any resolution to your past?”
I was stunned speechless for a moment and then the dam broke: “WHAT FUCKING RESOLUTION DID YOU THINK I WOULD FIND IN RELIVING MY PAST? I HATED HIM AND I HATED HER AND I HATED ME AND I HATED EVERYONE!”
He took off his glasses, nonplussed by my outburst, and looked me squarely in the eyes and asked me gently, “How long are you going to let them control your life? It IS your life, isn’t it?” Well that just sucked all the wind out of my storm! I hadn’t thought about my past like that. Memories so painful that I let them control me instead of finding a way to get release from them. I told him that I didn’t know how to let them go and he smiled and said, “You don’t let them go, you replace them. The past can no longer control you unless YOU give it permission to do so. It’s YOUR life, so YOU decide who gets to control it.”
I looked at him extremely stunned, as if I had just been dunked in ice water. I thought him completely mad for telling me that I am the on who decides who I let control my life. The more his words clanged through my mind, I realized that he was right. If I am to learn to move forward, I have to learn to let the past stay in the past. I have scars, both physical and emotional (and mental, don’t judge), and it is MY choice whether the scars scare me into hiding in the past or drive me to LIVE in the present!
SO MUCH to absorb! Good thing we went to dinner, because Logan and I were reeling from this nugget of wisdom. Logan looked more stoned than contemplative though. When we got back to the room, I asked him if he was okay. He said we needed to get some air, so we left the room and just started walking. We walked along the waterfront and through the Market that had long since closed and we found a pub that was still open so we went in for a nightcap or four. When we left, Logan looked at me and seemed so sad. I hugged him and told him that I loved him because he was my hero. When we got back to the room, I showered and crawled into bed, he showered and sat on the sofa, so I sat on the sofa with him and just held him as the realization of our past flowed from his soul like a flood.
Today was revealing and exhausting! But progress was made I think.