It’s taking a long, long time but I think I’m beginning to understand a few things. I took my prayer walk this morning and didn’t care who, if anyone, heard me because I needed to understand. I needed to understand why did I have to endure the growing up years I had? Why did I have to have such heinous “parents” and why so many “respectable” people used me like their personal ragdoll? Why does all that have to do with where my life is going, or is it going anywhere? Why? What purpose did all that serve?
Then I remembered something I learned on my venture to Charleston: “Everything has a purpose and a reason that we may not see, but someone does. We have the choice at every turn to let it conquer us or let it teach us! If we learn then we can teach.” Thank you to the Right Reverend “I’m Not A Shithead” for that nugget of wisdom.
Since I was helped to escape my situation, I was letting my past terrify me into distrusting everyone. I hid from people. I hid from friendships. I hid from me because I didn’t want anyone to know what had happened to me and I was ashamed that it happened to me. I had become ashamed and believed I deserved nothing other than continued shame and degradation.
However, whilst on my prayer stroll I happened upon a flower growing through the sidewalk. Nothing really special about the flower but I couldn’t help but stop and focus on that flower. Then, after several minutes, it hit me: This flower had to fight it’s way through the ground and through the pavement to see daylight. It could easily be trampled or pulled up, but it made it to the sunshine IN SPITE OF all that would keep it forever buried.
I decided then and there that I’m through being afraid and ashamed! And I know that will take a lot of effort because those are my comfort zones that I have lived in all my life. But now it’s the time to rise above the past and see the sunshine! Perhaps, at some point, help others who are trapped in the human trafficking trade.