“So….Where Do You See Yourself In 5 Years?”

I got called into THE Boss’s Office for a bit of a chat.  My Supervisor told me not to worry, everything is fine.  It’s just that She and I have not met up to this point.  Needless to say, this is not a situation I am comfortable with and my stomach was threatening to expel everything I had consumed since the day I was born.  I was sweating in places I didn’t believe were sweatable.  My heart was pounding in my ears so loudly that I couldn’t hear for several minutes, I just saw mouths move but no sound.

I tip toed down the carpeted hall toward the door which had a shiny brass placard stating the Chief Librarian was contained inside.  Along the walls were photos of Chief Librarians from past decades.  And the closer I got to the door, my stomach lurched and I knew it was coming…..I farted.  Not one of those loud rippers you jump up and yell “YEAH BAYBEE!” about, rather it was the silent variety that will take the colour out of the carpet and will melt the metal radiator.

When I finally reached the door, I knocked, rather timidly, and waited, picturing in my mind a stern, severe faced woman with a very tight bun, a boring suit, very thick glasses and a giant mole on the end of her nose which kept her spectacles from sliding off.  The door opened and I prepared to gasp (or worse again), but the person who greeted me was a lovely woman who appeared to be in her mid forties.  She was polite, courteous, friendly and sincere.  She invited me into her lair….ummmm….office. Offered me a cup of tea, which I didn’t feel I should or could refuse, so I accepted graciously.  She invited me to sit next to her on the rather luxurious leather sofa.

She kicked her shoes off and curled her feet under her as she relaxed.  We chatted a bit about this and that, nothing of any import.  I was beginning to feel more at ease when she said, “I suppose you are wondering why I asked to meet you.”  Being nervous, my focus was in keeping that which I had left in the hallway from reoccurring in this enclosed office.  I admitted that I was curious, not in the “what does being dead feel like” curious, rather more in the “how delicious is this beer going to be” curious.

As we talked, she told me her name was Linda and that she had started at the Library doing my job 25 years ago (which stunned me) and she said everything at that time had to be done by hand and typewriter.  Then came the inevitable question, out of the blue and without warning, “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

How does one answer such a question?  I mean to I tell Linda that I want her job by then, or that I plan to marry some ancient rich guy pump him full of Viagra and ride the wave into a wonderful inheritance?  Do I tell Linda that I’m going to write a best seller, go on a lecture circuit, and become the mermaid I always wanted to be as a child? What about the pirate daydream? Or just being the best me that I can be?

I can honestly tell you that I have no idea where I’ll end up 10 minutes from now!

I HATE these type questions.

What Did You Say?

Have you ever had one of those conversations where you are asked a question and, normally, you would ponder your response, put the words into their correct order and tense, then line them up and send them off to the filter before allowing them to exit the mouth into the general hearing of all?  I have, shamefully, been part of these conversations over the last several days where the all systems have failed!

For example, I left my desk to toddle off to use the loo.  As I passed the desk of one of my coworkers, he asked where I was going.  I shot him “that look” which I had hoped would give his mind the message that it was time for him to shut his mouth.  Yet…..here it was.

Him: “Where are YOU going?”

Me: “To the loo if you MUST know?”

Him: “Why are you going to the loo?”

(By this point, I was COMPLETELY embarrassed due to other coworkers began looking up from their work to stare at this interchange)

Me: “IF you MUST know, Mister Magoo…..I’m going to the loo to think of you whilst I poo.”

While that ended our exchange, I did feel rather bothered by having to explain such an event.

 

Later, Logan phoned me at work:

Logan: “Hey Tim, what are you doing?”

Me: “I’m talking to a jackass on the other end of this line asking idiot questions. And you?”

Logan: “Being the jackass phoning to remind you that you have a wax appointment after work.”

Me: “What gave you that impression?”

Logan: “Well, when you walked past me this morning, your gorilla legs were quite evident….”

Me: (cutting him off angrily) “WHAT? How DARE you!”

Logan: (continuing completely nonplussed) “And the shoppe called to remind you because they couldn’t raise you on your cell.”

Me: (realizing that I had left my phone in the loo where I had been earlier) “oh, thank you”

 

We seem to have a penchant for asking idiot questions and then getting offended when we get sarcastic answers.  I told Logan I was heading to the shops.  He asked what I was going for, so I told him, truthfully, I needed a new bra.  To which his response, without even looking at me, was “what you going to put in it?”.

I apparently suck at conversing!

 

 

Revenge!

After much thought and careful consideration, I finally was able to get my revenge on Logan TWICE!  I know he has a “thing” for a co-worker named Bethany.  I have seen him mooning over her photo on his phone, but she has not met me yet (probably on purpose).  On Tuesday, I “happened” to wander over (via bus and tube) the 27 blocks to Logan’s Office.  I saw him sitting in the park with Bethany, so I thought I might as well break the ice and introduce myself since, apparently, Logan doesn’t think it’s a good idea.  I walked up behind Logan hugged him and kissed his cheek and looked at Bethany and said, “You must be Cindy!  Logan just won’t stop talking about you. I’m his sister Timere. It’s so nice to finally meet you.”

Logan’s face turned so hot from his blushing and then he got flustered because Cindy is actually his boss who he complains about incessantly.  Needless to say, Bethany was stunned and speechless.  I heard Logan making choking sounds trying to think of what to say, so I kissed him on the cheek again and whispered in his ear, “Gotcha!”.  Then I let the cat out of the bag and properly introduced myself to Bethany (very ladylike and daintily, of course).

THAT was SO worth the fare!  Logan came home sputtering mad but calmed down when I came out of the kitchen with his favorite meal prepared, and reminded him that I love him.  After dinner, Logan told me that he would clean up since I had fixed dinner.  Well, THAT should have been my clue that he was up to something, but I was still riding the high of the victory and knowing that I had another plan to set in motion.  Logan was clanging the pots and pans around making a lot of noise (even though I had only made his favorite pizza).  But I was relaxed on the sofa watching my programme, when he comes out of the kitchen jumps over the back of the sofa, drops in beside me, kissed me on the cheek as he slapped duct tape on my arm.

Now…..I am accustomed to being waxed from chin to toes (and still do it), but duct tape on skin…The only way to get it off was to get a corner and just yank the foot long piece off my arm.  There were many, Many, MANY expletives expressed because I miscalculated and it took FOUR yanks to finally get it off.  SO not fair.

But because I love him, I opted not to dismember him just yet.  But while he slept, I took his suit jacket and a pair of bright pink see through thong panties, and sewed them into the tail of his jacket so they could only be seen from the back.  So when he goes to the office tomorrow, he’s going to have to explain why he has a pair of sexy women’s panties dangling from his jacket.  I might just have to follow him to work just to see the reactions of he gets. 🙂  <insert evil maniacal laugh here>

Prank Update & Continued

This weekend past was challenging for both Logan and I.  It all began Friday morning when I had poured some blonde hair colouring in Logans shampoo, as he is VERY particular about his hair.  The shrieking from his lav when he saw his blonde top was hysterical!  Thank goodness I had locked my door because he came racing down the hall and ran face first into my solid oak door, which created more for his coworkers to view upon his arrival.  I’ll admit it, I checked on him and helped him with his bloody nose after I had laughed so hard that my ribs and stomach hurt.

That’s not to say I got away with it.  On Saturday, I got up late and was going to go to the pub with some of my coworkers so we could share our stories about the red-headed googly eyed guy from across the alleyway.  I jumped in the shower, grabbed my bodywash and started cleansing, only to discover the water was just beading up and rolling off me.  Logan had put petroleum jelly in my body wash, the little bastard!  Five scrubs later with regular soap and I still feel icky!

Then the little shyte went to the coffee truck I always patronize, because it’s right outside my workplace, and told the 18 year old counter person that I was in love with him AND that he made me horny.  When I showed up this morning, sure enough coffee guy is making puppy eyes at me and staring at, well, it wasn’t my eyes.  He asked me, in a shaky teenager voice, if I would go out with him.  I was confused as to where this was coming from, I had only been polite and courteous but nothing more.  That is, until I caught a glimpse of Logan hiding behind a shrubbery.  Then I knew!  So I smiled coyly, ran my finger along the neckline of my shirt, pulling down to where he could ALMOST see my boobless chest, and said “Come out of that van and I want you to take me right here in the park. I’ll ride you like a cowboy at a rodeo.” And then I winked.  Poor boy, his eyes went wide and by the time I got to “rodeo” he blushed and excused himself.  I ran over and smacked Logan on the back of his blonde head for ruining the coffee boy.

So now, it’s my turn.  What to do, what to do?

Daydreaming

I love listening to music.  Especially classical music.  My favorite composer is Antonio Vivaldi.  Now I know classical music is boring as hell to most people, but I get the strangest looks when I am walking to work with my earbuds playing Vivaldi in my ears and the people driving or walking by me can only see me trying to conduct the symphony.  Rather like a stork spasming.  But that’s okay. I’m learning to be who I am instead of who I was brought up to be.

Logan teases me too, when he hears me singing along with the radio in my shower.  The acoustics in the shower are fantastic…..as long as one has talent for singing.  But I like singing so Logan can kiss a toad!  He told me that he was going to record me singing and use it as his new Wake Up Alarm because nothing makes him want to leave the house like me singing.

Anyway, work has been wonderful.  Being kept VERY busy working with the new computer system.  My stitches were taken out (by the doctor) and no real permanent damage other than yet another scar.  So I have been released to watch Sister Thomasina’s Self-Defense Class, but not participate for another two weeks.

We also adopted a rescue dog.  He’s SO adorable and loves to snuggle with me.  He’s part pitbull and part a lot of other breeds.  Apparently, his mother had pretty much the same life I had, so we are just mutts together.

Started a cooking class at the Adult Annex and haven’t burned anything as yet, which is a plus.  I did however undercook the rice on the first try so my Vegetable Rice with Chicken was…..like chewing gravel.  But progress…..yesterday, I fixed a cake that actually looked like a cake and was edible!

 

Peaceful Place

In my session with my counselor on Friday, she asked me if I had a place where I felt peaceful and completely at ease.  I admitted that I used to find cemetery’s rather peaceful because there was no one there to bother you or try to chat you up.  But the more I thought, there is one place where I like to go walking because it’s a place where I feel free.  So she asked me if I would be willing to take her there.  I wasn’t sure about that because it’s the place where I feel most as ease mainly because no one else is there when I am there.  But I told her I would consider it.

I called her later and told her that I would share it with her but only with the understanding that this is a ONE TIME deal.  I’m not willing to give up my peaceful spot!  She agreed and Saturday Morning, I met her at her office and we walked to my peaceful place.

I love walking here and thinking.  There’s something about being among these trees that have lived through so much and remain so majestic that gives me hope and reminds me that I may be down sometimes but I’m not out!  I usually take my daypack with books, notebooks, and, if you’ll pardon the indiscretion, a roll of TP just in case.

 

And So Begins A New Year

Seems like a lifetime ago since I’ve had the opportunity to post anything here.  I got released into counseled care after one of my cuts went too deep.  27 stitches later and a psych eval later, here I am at the beginning of a new year.

I talked at length with my counselor about all I had written about my life under the control and domination of the Grunge and all he did.  She wanted to give me meds to help me not think about the events, but I can’t and don’t want to forget!  I NEED to remember them so perhaps some day I can help someone else.

I remember New Year’s Day when I was 12 and was just beginning to grow into womanhood, the Grunge noticed hair growth where it normally should be on a girl, but he said he was having none of that, so he called his step-sister to come over and “get rid of ALL hair below the neck.”  She was terrified of him and obeyed without question never looking at him.  All I can tell you is that, even though she tried to be gentle, hair removal fucking hurts!  I tried to talk to her, but all she would say was “I’m sorry, he did this to me when we were children too.”  OMG!!!  How many lives has this evil man destroyed?

After Logan helped me escape from him, I tried to contact her but she wouldn’t have anything to do with me.  I worry about her damaged life and want so much to help her.

On a different note, I am back at work and have found lots of books I want to read.  And Sister Thomasina told me I can come back to her butt kicking class when the doctor signs my release and my stitches come out.  Thought about taking them out myself, but that won’t get my release signed.

I’ve met with Sister Thomasina for tea and the occasional beer at her favorite pub.  I decided that I would try some of the pub food, and have found that haggis is truly repulsive as is tripe.  But I have found that they have a salad that has walnuts, cranberries, goat cheese, spinach and lettuce that is absolutely delicious.  They also have a steak sand that is mouthwateringly wonderful!!!  I felt like such a hog!

Logan is getting his “home office” set up and even has these partitions he uses as office walls.  He is so fussy and it’s hilarious to watch him getting everything in its proper place.  I, as a joke, put his lamp on the opposite corner of his desk than where he put it, and he was so flustered.  I always knew he was very picky, but this is OCD at its most intense, I believe.  Even his pens must be exactly the same.

Christmas was quiet.  We celebrated in my hospital room and I gave Logan a Pink Flamingo coffee mug, and he gave me the most wonderful scarf!  It is cashmere and so soft and so warm.  Perfect!  One of the nurses has taken it upon herself to teach me how to crochet.  WOW!  THAT is a LOT harder than it looks, but it’s also a lot of fun learning something new.

Time for my next appointment, so until next time…Thank you for reading.

Floods of Memories!

I must apologize for being absent for the last several days.  I followed Sister Thomasina’s advice, and began writing about my life with the Grunge.  So many memories and so many things I had blocked for so long came flooding back to my mind!  It was more than I could handle all at once, and when Logan told me that I had gone back into my “FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE” mode, I realized that maybe I had opened Pandora’s box.  Now I have to try to figure out what to do with all the demons that have been turned loose in my mind.

I am ashamed to say that I resorted to my former coping methods and ended up with more scars.  I know, I know, self destructive behavior is not going to solve the issues.  But in the end, I will have escaped the torments remembered, right?

I brought my laptop to Sister Thomasina’s apartment and sat at her table to write out all that was within me while she crocheted a sweater for a gorilla or something like that (it was HUGE).  Without realizing it, I wrote out everything I could remember and yet my fingers couldn’t keep up, but I couldn’t stop the flow.  Wrote for four hours straight without even stopping to pee or eat.  I did sip water through a straw so I didn’t have to stop.

The words and visions kept coming until I was literally drenched in sweat and shaking so bad my spelling just sucked.  When I finally was too exhausted to go on writing, I locked myself in the bathroom and just cried.  Yes, I did pee first.  I didn’t want to go home because I knew the memories would keep attacking me, but I knew I had to go home (baby steps).

I haven’t slept in 3 days now, even with meds, and haven’t been able to stop shaking.   My boss sent me an email reminding me that the office would be closed this week and next week but I will still get paid.  That was a positive.

Logan has been so understanding and has done his best to help me, even going out of his way to decorate our flat for Christmas.  He understands because he endured the same things I did and even worse, yet he is more focused on my well-being instead of his own.  I don’t know how he doesn’t fall apart like I do or how he keeps his sanity or even why he would want me to be in his life, much less sharing his flat.

I feel so lost right now, and I know that is part of the processing, but I just want to be normal, if there is such a thing.

Baby Steps

Still haven’t heard a peep out of Vera since I told her that little nugget about my past and that hurts.  But I can’t control what she does with the information, I can only learn to keep making baby steps forward.  So far, the some steps have been easy and exciting, and some have been horribly reflective, and some have just been difficult because I’m still trying to understand it all.

As painful as the past may have been, I am actually grateful that it happened, and this will sound idiotically silly, because now I am so appreciative of so many small kindnesses that I believe many take for granted.  Yesterday, I was reading while I was walking to the coffee shop and a HUGE man came out of the door right when I got to the door and I got knocked down with my stuff scattering everywhere.  At first I was terrified, because this guy was HUGE (Shrek huge).  But he was so nice.  He helped me up and helped me get all my stuff back then bought me a gift card to the coffee shop so I could have as much coffee as I wanted for a whole month!  And he just kept apologizing and want to make sure I was okay.  He was so sweet.  I thanked him and assured him I was okay.  Then when I got ready to leave, the shop clerk handed me an envelope that the guy had left for me.  In it was $200 and a note telling me how sorry he was and to please use the money for something I would enjoy.

Sister Thomasina told me of a group that meets in the basement of the church for people like me.  I figured it was just another one of those “Learn to GET OVER IT” groups, and, once again, I was wrong.  These were people who I had a lot in common with.  Their tormentors were beasts who are or were wastes of molecules.  How can people become such monsters?  Why would they choose to be so horrible?

The hardest part I had with this group was when the facilitator said at some point we MUST be able to forgive them for all they had done to us.  Is she KIDDING?  FORGIVE the GRUNGE for my daily fucks and torments?  How could that even be possible?

Anyway, aside from that, my last several days have been filled with working, butt-kicking classes, and discovering what all is around our flat.  There are some pretty cool places around us.  There’s this little grocer on the corner where I stop every few days to keep fruits stocked for lunch.  The owner always calls me his little ray of sunshine and makes me smile and blush, especially when his wife comes out wiping her hands on her apron and gives me a piece of fresh Dutch Apple Crumble to take with me.  They are so adorable!

One of the books I’ve been reading is called The Hobbit, and one of my favorite parts is where Gandalf tells Lady Galadriel, “Saruman thinks it is through great power that evil is kept at bey.  But I have found that it’s in the small acts of kindness and love.”  How better to make the world a better place than to share in those small acts of kindness and love?

Even so, I cannot forgive the Grunge!  Not by a long shot!

 

Just Wondering

I LOVE my job, because I get to work alone (don’t have to deal with people too often) and I get lost of time to think.  Sometimes my mind wanders in thought to things that make me curious and the answers I haven’t been able to find. And I ponder things that might seem silly to others, but I find interesting.

• I learned that the longest word that is the same spelled forward or backward is a mathematical term: redivider.
• Time always moves.
• Why do Superheroes always seem to prefer spandex outfits?
• One would think that after all these gazillions of years of evolving and changing, somewhere along the line our bodies would stop growing hair in the places we continually remove the hair from.
• How can I learn to be less tense about everything?
• Why are some people just horrible to others?
• What are the purpose of mosquitoes, gnats, ticks, and roaches?
• My favorite color is turquoise.
• Who was the person who discovered that the outer shell of a cashew was poisonous and what made them decide to try the nut inside the poisonous shell?
• Why do I have to pee 4-6 times if I only drink a single cup of coffee?
• Someone put a single tulip on my desk this morning before I got in.  What should I think about that?
• Why do people always look so angry?  I watch people in their cars when I walk to work, and most of the drivers look as though they are one step away from becoming a serial killer.
• What is the difference between being friendly with someone and being friends with someone?
• Why are some people so judgemental?
• Should I be concerned about what the food trucks use as “meat”?  Sometimes it tastes delicious with gruesome after effects, and sometimes not.